This was written about a month ago:
Being agnostic can actually be quite uncomfortable. Sitting on the fence always attracts people to you from both sides – the religious want you in their camp and the aetheists want you to agree with them. It is hard enough for me to make up my own mind and I feel I am being pulled hither and thither a lot of the time – as much through my own indecisive thinking as through the arguments of my persuaders.
I think I just don’t like change in any direction, and when I die, it will come as a great shock to me – even if I die of a terminal illness and I am expecting it. Who knows what comes afterwards – if anything at all? I must admit – I think I would love to float around with all my loved ones after death – eating mangoes and drinking wine! I suppose it does seem far fetched but I live in hope.
I’m reading Stephen Hawking at the moment – for the first time. I’m really not that bright, you see and thought that quantum physics was out of my league. ‘Brief answers to the big questions’ is the name of his last book which was published post-humously. It is actually more accessible than I thought but can still be a bit daunting to read. I am trying to understand ‘negative energy’ and the creation of particles where none existed before. Basically he makes a good case and argument for the idea that nothing existed before the universe came into being (not even God) – and it sprang out of nothingness, rather than the idea that it was created by an omnipotent power.
However, no matter how unlikely my cherubim and seraphim are; I either can’t or won’t let them go completely. My house has many effigies of the Buddha and I possess a ‘Good News’ bible. I meditate daily and recently have taken up Christian prayer again – sometimes as part of my meditation and other times, just in the same way that a child would pray for someone or something – a simple request for, or expression of love. I remember being very lonely in my late teens, when I had left home for the first time. I used to sometimes pray a prayer – “Dear God, please love me because nobody else does!”
Of course, another ‘no go’ area is politics. My heart really isn’t in this as much as it is with what I perceive to be spirituality. Maybe for some people it is their expression of faith, but I am in no doubt that religion and state should be distinctly separate. Having said that, I have been depending more and more on mindfulness, meditation and prayer to deal with the divisive politics that have plagued us for the past few years, within my own country and even within families and friendships, not to mention other places in the world. It is becoming even more difficult when people ‘shoot off’ about politics, as nasty divisive arguments ensue. I have always veered towards the left, but never been a ‘radical red.’ I believe in the health service and welfare state – because I have needed both of them so much in my life and I am so grateful to have had them. I tend to think I am in the middle with politics as well as religion.
I was a natural Labour voter, and in Scotland we have Westminster MPs, MSPs, list MPs, European MPs and councillors. I am thinking that the Green Party will get more of my votes from now on. It’s not just disillusionment with the status quo that pulls me in this direction, but more an active attraction to the ideas and ideals of the environmentalists. Of course, I worry that I will not be able to make the changes to my life that I need to make – more an eco-worrier than an eco-warrior.
Perhaps I am wrong, but I still genuinely believe that a lot of people enter politics for good enough reasons and want to make a difference for the better in society. However, I also believe that power corrupts, and eventually they become so obsessed with getting elected, that this is more important to them than the good of the country. So whoever we vote for, we need to stay alert to this. Whether it is part of the human condition, I don’t know – I just know that my spiritual side, or what I call ‘my inner animal’ makes me feel that I have to rise above feelings of negativity for my political opponents.
I’m writing this in May 2019, and have no idea what will happen in the next few months in Britain and the rest of the world. I just know that I will be practicing yoga, meditation and prayer to help me cope with the uncertainty and fear. I have to live in hope, and love my neighbour.